untitled

beneath the black tree in the forest there is the part of the chimney that remained.
what housed the fire to safely burn is all that is left after the fire burned the house.

once there was a wind that blew in a circle. everything was pulled in and went around & round.
a black beetle tried to crawl in under the screen door. the wind tunneled over and sucked the beetle in.
the beetle was very small and the wind-circle very large. aided by trauma, time slowed down. the beetle lived many years in the circle of wind. though minutes later, rain came and stopped it all.
in the wind
the beetle met a butterfly. the butterfly was in bed.

i was asleep when the storm hit :said the butterfly

i'm tired :said the beetle

sit on my bed and rest a while :said the butterfly

the beetle crawled into bed.
the beetle and the butterfly fell in love.
later, the butterfly lay too precariously in the bed and the wind took her away.

why was time not slow for her? :thought the beetle

the beetle then realized he had only heard a buzzing when she spoke. and he had made up all the words she said.
time was only slow for the beetle.



.

The Father i Don't Have

Once,

in the heat and gloom of summer,

i dreamt that i had a father who called me

sweetheart

and

princess.

In my dream

i had a goldfish in a bag,

which he held for me

when i asked him to watch me rollerskate,

which he did proudly.

He loved me,

this father,

and he liked to read old books and make sack lunches.

He didn't mind that i only wore petticoats and bloomers, corselets and camisoles

(he was not embarrassed to be seen with me)

or that i put metal studs and spikes in all things leather-masquerading

(he had me spike his loafers, and he drew my first tattoo).

He told me, before i woke up, that he loves me for who i am.

Always remember.

:he said:

Don't ever forget.

i woke up this morning due to a voice in the wall. i heard it once before while i was masturbating but i thought it was just part of the fantasy i had created. i don't think i was masturbating when i woke up, but i heard the voice anyway. i know it was not a delusion, because the cat was sitting and staring at the part of the wall where the voice was coming from.

the voice said that it's been here for some time. watching me. sometimes feeling me while i sleep. its ready to make its next move, it said. so it thought it would introduce itself.

when i asked what its next move was it wouldn't tell me. it only smiled. it was the first time i'd ever heard a smile. you'd think it would sound friendly, but it didn't. it was grating. like two pieces of broken glass grinding against each other.

its going to make its next move soon, now that we have been properly introduced.
it likes my skin, it said.

it said it will be nice.

Rojo y Lobo

  They were wrong about us. Me and my Diablo Pata. They said he followed me into the woods. Hunted me. Hounded me. They said he raped me. Killed my grandmother. Fed her to me in pieces, but they were wrong about us.

       When i was little i lost my way in the cotton oak wood. He was little too, back then. They both were. He and his brother. They called him Diablo Pata because of his mischievous nature and they called his brother little Velvet Ears. They were playing as cubs do when they came upon me, crying in the cotton oak. Cautious and curious they sneaked up on me.

             What's wrong with it? :i heard one ask the other.

             I think it's hungry. :the other said.

       I turned to face them in their shabby hiding place behind the fern.

             I'm not an it. :i said, stern through my tears: I'm a little girl. And i'm lost.

       The little one shrunk back immediately upon discovery, but the other held his ground.

             What's a little girl? :he asked, stepping forward: You smell like men, but not.

             I'm not a man!... A girl is what one is before she is a woman.

             A woman?

             Yes.

             What's a woman?

             What's lost? :the other one had stealthily followed the first up to the clearing in which i sat upon a fallen tree.

             I don't know how to get home. :i said.

             Why don't you follow your scent back?

             I don't know how.

             It's easy. You sniff like this until you smell where you came from.

       The bigger one rose up slightly on his haunches, my little Diablo Pata.

             There! :he said: I think i found your trail.

             You did? :i asked excitedly: Can you show me the way back?

       He and his brother walked beside me all the way back to my village, and to this day i am convinced i never would have found my way home without him.

       A few days later i saw them at the wood's edge. They became my favourite playmates, but always in secret as tensions rose between our clans each time cattle or sheep went missing, and every time some creature was found mutilated in the fields. As i grew older, so did they, and while Diablo grew strong and brave, the sweetness once seen in little Velvet gave way to a more sinister passivity.

       One day i was a young woman walking through the wood i now knew like the back of my hand, and i came upon Velvet Ears in the clearing, disemboweling a rabbit. It was not an uncommon thing and i did not shrink back from the sight or sound of it, but i noticed how he toyed with it. Tortured it. Tearing it open before leaving it in pieces in the grass. It was not normal for the Wolves to play with their food in this way, as they were known for being more compassionate than we. I told Diablo Pata what i had seen and his silence confirmed my concerns.

       We had a spot in the wood, Diablo and i. We met on full moons. We met on new moons. Half moons. Gibbous. A time came when even one night apart felt like too many. But in the shadows lurking, Velvet was always there.

       No one knew about Diablo and me. No one but my grandmother. Like me, she had always been different. She could feel the phases of the moon on the back of her neck. She could taste the coming rain in the air a day beforehand. She too had once known a Wolf. And he too had been a secret, before he was brought down. Since then she lived deep in the woods, past the cotton oak and fern, where no man dared to go.

       On my way to see her, i thought i heard Diablo in the wood come to walk with me. But it wasn't him.

             Going to grandma's? :asked Velvet Ears.

             Yes... :i said: Where's your brother?

            Where's my brother? :he repeated: Where's my brother... Well wouldn't you know i was about to ask you the same thing. You wouldn't have any idea where he might be, would you?

             If i did i wouldn't have asked you.

             No, probably not...

       He stalked me in a strange overly visible way, crossing the path behind me and before me, encircling me as if herding a lamb.

             But then one never knows what you might be hiding. :he added.

             I'm not hiding anything. :i said.

             No? :he asked, his voice tinged with excitement: Maybe i'll ask my brother. If only i can find him...

       I stopped for a moment. I had that feeling then. That dark feeling. Like a pit. But i kept going. I said nothing.

             A pretty girl like you shouldn't be walking in the woods alone, you know. :he said after a time.

             I know these woods just as well as you do. I'm fine, thank you. In fact, i prefer walking alone if you don't mind.

            Oh ho! :he laughed: The girl has spirit! Alright, alright then...i can take a hint. Just thought i would offer my company while my dear brother is indisposed. But if you insist on walking this lonely path on your own...

             I do.

             Then as you wish. :he grinned a toothy grin and tipped his hat before disappearing into the trees.

       Despite watching him run off ahead of me, i could never escape the feeling of being followed. I never heard or saw or smelled anything, but i had the idea that he was hunting me, herding me in ever wider circles so spacious that i could never know for sure that he was there at all. Quickening my pace, i longed for the company of Diablo, and hurried to reach my grandmother.

       They say here that i was fooled. And they will tell you it was my Diablo that did it. They will tell you that he dressed in my grandmother's clothing and i was deceived by this visage; that he bottled my grandmother's blood and hair and teeth and tricked me into eating them.

       What they will not tell you is that after being ambushed by his brother, Diablo Pata sought shelter in the house of my grandmother. They will not tell you that when Velvet Ears ran ahead he broke down the door and tore my family apart. They will not tell you that my grandmother was a witch, and so was i, and that i willingly ate from the flesh of my loved ones to raise them from the dead. And they will not tell you that they call me Red Riding Hood because i rode home that day beside both my grandmother and my lover, cloaked in the blood soaked hide of his brother, and hooded with his skull.

Beauty was a Metaphor

If only you had told me about that spell that was cast on you,

I never would have gone into the woods alone.

So many years ago, when we met on the street lit precipice, and the sun threatened to rise and wake me from that dream, you opened your mouth i hoped to kiss me or whisper something in another language that would turn my blood to honey, but only wild flowers and bramble thorns spilled out. A nectar scented waterfall of a dozen prairies fell onto the floor and pinned themselves into a chariot you wouldn't tell me what was for. You only led me to the bench and then swooped down upon us a hundred bats and moths of distant moons to fly us to that lonely castle in Germany you tried to show me in every dream i've ever had since i was five. Chased by the rising sun we rode to the safety of the Black Forest, your fur shining softly in the orange glow of dawn, sweeping across your face in wisps and tendrils that smelled faintly of cardamom and chamomile and black currant blossoms. Even your fangs, your little tusks, were a faded gold that sparkled so. And your beast's paws, twice the size of my woman's hands, and twice as soft despite their hidden claws, felt like the only thing i should ever need to wear when pressed against you. Oh if only you’d told me about that spell that was cast upon you!

I never would have left without you.

I never would have gone into the woods alone.

Why did you have to give your last lone days to Beauty?
She only loved you because she thought you were a prince,

Whereas i loved you because i knew you weren't.

train

we open up on a dream. no
we open up on a train. no
we open up on a train heading Dream.

Where is this train heading, sir?
Dream, miss.
Oh, but that's where i'm coming from...
We're coming from Dream and going to Dream, miss.
Well, i'd like to exchange my ticket then, please.
I'm sorry, tickets are nonexchangeable.
Then i'd like a refund.
I'm sorry, miss, tickets are nonrefundable...
Well then i'd like to buy a new one.
Alright. That'll be waienfhioaweh noij.
Excuse me?
That will be waienfhioaweh noij.
I'm sorry, i don't know how much that is.
It's more than what you've got, miss.

The Beast and the Black Forest

I have always been a strange person.

This is me at an age when i was at my happiest. When i felt free for the first time, and when i lived in a little cottage haunted by a ghost named Evelyn and her dog, Piccolo, and i still thought i could kiss inanimate objects to life. I was prettier then. Before Life happened...

I have never been attracted to people the way most people are. I have experienced lust based on the physical appearance of an actual human only three times in my life that i can recall. From a young age, i have been attracted to different things. I lusted after humanlike creatures that don't exist in this world. And the one i have longed for the most over the years, the Beast.

In story books i crossed out the ending where he turned into a prince. I hated it. To me, princes are ugly. The Beast is where beauty is. When the Beauty and the Beast show reruns came on in the 90s, with Ron Perlman and Linda Hamilton, i watched every episode like i lived for them.

I have never known how to explain it. Why i am not attracted to humans. Why i am only attracted to monsters. I prefer men to women, romantically. But sexually i like them both. I can tell when someone is attractive. I'm an artist and i love beautiful people, as well as strange, unusual or ugly people, for different reasons. But whether it is an attractive or unattractive man that approaches me, i am physically attracted to neither.

A personality can make someone more or less attractive to me, by A LOT. And there are certain physical traits i do find appealing. Monsters and beasts are big, bigger than i am. So i like height. I like beards. Beasts have manes. I like long hair. I like people who look different from me. Tattoos and piercings, a different skin tone, a different culture. Anything that makes him seem otherworldly will work in his favour. Anything that makes him less human,

more like something else,

something better.

Or more human. Too human. People who know people, who have an ability to understand and empathize but maintain the inner strength it takes to survive that and look out for themselves and their loved ones,
i like those people.

Although after what i have been through, nothing will ever beat kindness.

As far as that natural, primal, physical attraction goes, however, that thing that everyone seems to feel towards someone, towards some kind of person somewhere,
i feel toward no one.



Today i saw a picture of the Black Forest.

In my dreams, this is where the Beast lives. He lives in a castle house, a castle cottage, in the Black Forest of Germany. And from there he dreams of me too. But we never sleep at the same time. So our dreams always miss each other.

One night,
after being alone for some time
in my little haunted cottage in a corner wood in Washington
i dreamt that he had found me. He took me to his castle house in the Black Forest of Germany.
We lived there together for many years. And i was finally happy. All the years of our life together i dreamed in such detail. We were married {something i have no desire to do in real life with a human man}, and we had children {something i definitely don't want to do in real life with a human man} and we grew older together. We never spent more than a few hours apart from one another. And we never needed to.

Then one day, it was was his 500th birthday. Half way to 1000 years. It seemed like a big deal. I wanted to surprise him, so i snuck off to town without him to pick up a special gift i had ordered some time before. It took the whole day
and when i returned he was dead.

Years ago when he had been with Beauty, a spell had been cast on him. He had never been a man or a prince, but was cursed all the same. The spell made it so that if he was parted from the one he loved for more than three weeks he would die. When Beauty left him, it had taken him two weeks and six days to separate his heart from hers. And afterward, he was never certain whether the three week time period would start over should he fall in love again, or if he would only have the one day left.

He never wanted me to feel pressured to stay with him, he never wanted to think that i was there because i didn't want to kill him by leaving. He wanted to know i was there because i loved him and that was all. But the morning i left, i had not told him, and he didn't know why i had gone, and he grew afraid and worried and that fear triggered the curse
and i came home just a few minutes too late.

In the very beginning of my dream, i was in trouble. I lived in a small settlement with several others and we were under attack. The ghost of my Beast with an army of ghosts behind him came to our rescue. When i saw him, the life we once had together flashed before my eyes and my mind flooded with the memories of us. It had been several years since his death, and our whole history washed over me. I wept and cried out and asked him, Why didn't you tell me about the spell that was cast on you? And he told me. He told me how perhaps he should have, but he needed to know i was there because i wanted to be, and not for any other reason.

He helped us. He and his ghost army fought off our attackers. And then he and his ghosts disappeared, back into the Otherworld.


When i woke up i was remarkably devastated.
All the emotions were so real. I cried, i was so heartbroken.
I cried for days.
Literally.
I remembered sleeping next to him
for twenty+ years.
I remembered waking up beside him. Spending my life with him.
I remembered it all so clearly. Like it had been real. Like it was really real.

It was a cruel trick.

And the cruelest part
was that it could never happen
in real life.

What hurt the most was knowing
i would never find someone i would love
or want
as much as i did him.


I'm older now, and i believe i could love a human that much, despite my peculiarities. But i haven't yet. And certainly no human has ever loved me that much.


Some days suffering that dream, i wrote a small story about it. I posted here a few months ago:

Beauty was a Metaphor

And while a good ten years have passed since that time, and that dream, my feelings remain for the most part, unchanged. Still i am convinced that
i am someone who will never know true love.


I have always been a strange person.